I swear she didn't look like that last week.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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