question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
