Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Houston, we have a squirter
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
