This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
