it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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