I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
