I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
