I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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