Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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