I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
