Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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