I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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