I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
