You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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