Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
