I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
3 2 1 whiskey
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
