I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
