ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
