We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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