i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And my parents said I crawled through the house
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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