Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
and you fell through a lawn chair
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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