That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
