I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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