M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
COCAINE IS GR8
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
