Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can i not drive my cunt home
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
