i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
