life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
