I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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