dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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