i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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