maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
