They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
