He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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