Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
