so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
