Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
