bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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