Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
