Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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