Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
