WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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