I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
