I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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