During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
