My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
