Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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