when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
