Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
