I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
