my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
