i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Randomize
