I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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